Searching

I keep searching. In the cabinets. In the rooms of our home. In books. In my schedule. In my notes. In music. On the internet. I keep searching for something to take away my sadness, to prevent depression, to speed up the healing, to make it all feel less real. But I continue to wake up in this reality that feels like a dream. I wish I was waking up to feeling my baby in my belly. I wish we were preparing my son to be a big brother.

Instead, I pray. I pray for guidance. I pray for strength. I pray for God’s will to be done, even when it pains me to experience the process of getting there. I want to cuddle my babies. I want all of my babies. For now, I get to cuddle my little boy here on earth and wait for the Heavenly cuddles that are to come.

I look forward to that wonderful fruition when my family will be all together and we will be face to face with our Lord. Now, though, I ache. I ache for the babies that have left my womb. I ache for the games we would play all together. I yearn to cuddle and love them.

For now, I remember them. I love them. I love the people I have in front of me. 

Nothing feels like it fully encompasses or lays out my feelings. I don’t even know if my own words express what I want them to. But thank the Lord He understands my groanings and even groans on my behalf, understanding what I feel.

I know (or rather, I worry) that many wonder why I share so openly or why I can’t just “move on.” I hope that if just one person can find my words and resonate with them, they will not feel so alone or hopeless or scared. There are so many feelings. I hope sharing even just a piece of my own will help someone else through the tragedy that is the loss of a baby.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

Romans 8:26