Praising the One Who gives and Who takes away

We know the questions. We’ve heard them before, and we’ll hear them again. Maybe you’ve heard them, too.

Why would you announce so early?

What if you lose this one?

Do you really want to go through this again?

Aren’t the ones you have enough?

We love our babies; every single one of them. We love the two we have in Heaven and adored them and prayed for them during short period we had them on Earth. We mourned their loss when they died. We still miss them and wonder what life could be like now. We look forward to the Heavenly reunion when we get to praise our Savior alongside them.

The two we have here on Earth? They absolutely light up our lives! They are the sweetest children I have ever seen, and I see God working in them and through them daily. Alex and I get to be the ones they argue with and cry with and scream at. We are called to correct them and raise them in the way they should go. We are also the ones who get to see them think of others and pray for others. We see them twirl around and snuggle and hug and be pure, adventurous, loving children. We ENJOY who they are now. We look forward to the people they will become one day. We pray for them. What a privilege we carry! We are perfectly content if *God* saw fit for them to be the only children we got to raise. We’ve left that up to Him.

Now, the one on the way? What a blessing the Lord has bestowed upon us! How wonderful! We get to be JOYFUL in this hope. We get to look forward to adding another sweet baby to our family. There is much fear and apprehension involved, yes. There are many doctor’s visits and blood checks to keep an eye on the pregnancy and my levels and to get us through the first trimester, our hardest time in each pregnancy. There is illness and exhaustion and hormones flaring, things that temporarily make life difficult. But it is all worth having one more. And if God calls this baby Home before we are ready? We will simultaneously mourn our loss and praise the God Who gives and takes away.

No matter what happens, this is a profession of faith. This is us recognizing that LIFE begins at conception. God gives us joy and peace in uncertainty. This precious gift we have in my womb is a gift from God! How could we ever hide it? How could we purposely turn down support in prayer and supplication? The first trimester is the most difficult for us, as it is when I get the most sick and when we are the most vulnerable to losing the baby. This is one of the times God uses His Church to support us and love us. We are not called to loneliness. We are called to community.

This is not to say anyone is wrong for keeping the secret. At times, I imagine keeping the secret to myself and smiling at the unknowing faces, waiting for the day I could show an ultrasound and surprise everyone. When we experience loss, I desire to crawl into the innermost and darkest place and hide from the world.

For us, though, sharing our joy and our grief has become a confession of faith, a confession that this IS a baby, a confession that no matter what outcome we have on this earth, we fear, love, and trust in God above all things.

Our highest prayer is that the Lord uses us and our family to guide back to Him, to glorify Him in all we do. This is one way we do it now.

This was not my way 7 years ago, before we began having children. This was not on my radar 10 years ago in college. But this is where God has placed me now. This is my heart now. I pray that He uses it to sanctify me and remind me of the saving grace He has bestowed on all of us in His life, death, and resurrection.

Lead us, oh Lord, to do Your will, in this season of life and the next. Amen.

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