Melt My Heart of Stone, O Lord

 A year ago, I found out I was pregnant. A year ago, we were looking in awe at a pink line on a pregnancy test, imagining what our child would be like, who they would be, what they would accomplish. We told the grandparents and had them celebrate with us. We planned how we would tell others. I took pictures of my belly to begin the journey. But then it all vanished, including that pink line.

I went alone to the health department, thinking it was just going to be a test and I’d get a phone call later. I didn’t know I would be calling my husband to tell him we didn’t have our baby anymore.


I had no idea how quickly our lives could change. I didn’t know how deeply I could love in a moments notice and how much despair I could feel over losing someone I had not yet met. But I also had no idea how much love would surround us or how many people had experienced the same heartache. I also had no idea what God was preparing us for.


I didn’t know my heart was stone until I had a baby who could melt it. When awaiting Samuel’s arrival, I remember calling out to my husband that I wanted this baby so bad and I was so scared of something happening to him like what happened to Bailey. I tried with all I had in me to deliver our baby. When he was born, I shed tears of joy. I remember having him on me chest and asking him if he was cold (I also remember him pooping everywhere as soon as he was on me 😂). It was the sweetest, most precious thing in the world to be able to look at our sweet baby and to love on him. My heart grew that day. My heart continues to grow as we go through life together.  I still look at him and can’t believe he’s mine. How could I be blessed with such an amazing gift?


I’m still learning and still growing. But I can already see where God stretched out my heart with our loss of our Bailey, then began to fill it with the gain of our Samuel. We are always going to miss Bailey. We are always going to wish Samuel had a big sibling here with him. But we are also always going to be growing and learning from that experience. We will always be learning a new depth of God’s love. And hopefully, He will continue melting my sinful heart of stone.




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