May 9th, 2020

This time of Covid has brought many changes, many worries, many fears, and much alone time to light. Suddenly, I’m home all the time. Suddenly, I’m not working. Suddenly, my social outlets have been shut down. Suddenly, I’m left to my own devices. Suddenly, it’s April and now May.

Bit by bit, my motherly instincts have been kicking in. I’ve been worrying about this sweet baby Samuel since day one, and to think I could lose him byway of something I could have avoided by staying home—that thought kills me. So, that’s why I’m home. To try to protect my family as best I can. Our hearts stopped when we lost Bailey, and we want to do all we can to protect Samuel, even if it is a decision ridiculed by some. That ridicule doesn’t matter—what matters is our love for this baby.

All of these fears and worries come at a time when mine and my husbands emotions are most raw. Saturday, May 9th, was the projected due date for us to meet our Bailey. This date has been in the back of our minds since we first found out we were pregnant. We have wondered what life would have been like had we gotten to keep Bailey. We have wondered why. I have wondered if I did something wrong. Of course, we have Samuel now and are over the moon in looking forward to his arrival in July. He is our pride and joy and we cannot wait to fully embrace parenthood with him in our arms. Nothing will ever outshine his light in our hearts. Just the same, nothing will outshine Bailey’s light, either. We love and remember Bailey just as any other family member lost. The difference is we only met him in my belly, never face to face.

As any parent does when something happens and they lose a child, whether that’s losing their life or losing the connection they once had, I blame myself. I still wonder what I could have done differently, if it was a result of choices made through my life before Bailey was even a thought in mine or my husbands mind. I still fear the same fate for Samuel.

There are not words that can be used to express the loss of a loved one, especially the loss of a child. For us, this loss has molded us into what we hope will be ever more loving parents of Samuel and any other children we have. I can see God using this loss and the constant reminders of Bailey to renew our hearts and minds to pour into those we do have now. I know God is using this in various battles against the Devil that I don’t even know are occurring.

Blame, shame, fear, sadness...all of these feelings still overcome me. And I know I am not alone in those feelings. They can be used to attack each of us in different ways in different stages of life, especially right now in a time of isolation. But I know something more has overcome these things.

We see in the story of David, one who is said to fulfill all of God’s will. Not part of it. Not none of it. But ALL of it. As an experienced sinner, I know I certainly cannot fulfill God’s will. I shipwreck that opportunity day in and day out. We can safely assume David did as well, as he was born into sin just like the rest of us. Yet, God still says David would fulfill all His will. He already was looking to the cross and was already seeing David through the cleansing blood of Christ that wasn’t going to be shed for another handful of years.

David received that forgiveness in faith as if it had already rained down. You receive it. I receive it. Bailey received it. Samuel received it. Through faith. And faith comes through hearing the Word and believing.

I feel as though I failed my child. I feel as though my body failed, and I fear my body and my choices will fail the new baby in my belly, too. Truth is, I will fail. I have failed. All of these things are a direct result of sin and Satan. And we know Satan is working double time in these days to tear us down, using anything he can get his claws into. For me right now, I know he sees Bailey’s due date as an open wound. But Christ has already won the war and has already given me and my babies victory. A victory and a peace that surpasses all human understanding.

My heart aches as I think of what could have been with Bailey. But I know Bailey is already in the Heavenly realms, with many saints who passed before and after him, singing Holy Holy Holy to the Lord God almighty, who was and is and is to come. Bailey is already in the place I look forward to being, and I get to praise our God with him now and later on. Praise be to God.

Here’s to remembering Bailey’s life, as short and as precious as it was, and to looking forward to being reunited with him when I get to stand alongside him singing praises in Heavenly places.