Let Us Rejoice In It.

“I can’t believe you were discharged from the hospital. We cannot see you at this location anymore, we are spooked.”

“We’re going to try to get you to 34 weeks. But I don’t think we can do it.”

“I’ve only seen 2 other cases as bad as yours, and neither of them made it with both mother and baby.”

“We don’t know what will happen.”

“We’re just trying to push you through to lessen the amount of NICU time.”

“I don’t trust these blood results. Bile acids can’t go from 185 back down to the normal range (less than 10), even with medication. This can’t be right.”

“He’s not breathing on his own. We have to take him to the nursery.”

“He’s still not able to breathe on his own. He has to be admitted to the NICU.”

“I can’t believe you and he both made it.”

We heard all of this. I was sick our entire pregnancy, which is fairly normal for us. Pregnancy is difficult and I’m always very ill, but I never got a break with Silas. Once we got to the 7th month of pregnancy, my body had finally said “no more” and showed so many signs that it was failing me. I told myself then and tell myself now, “It wasn’t that bad. You’re being dramatic.” But no, looking back at what doctors were saying and at how ill I felt, it wasn’t drama. It was real. I couldn’t stand long enough to shower or do dishes. We had to leave Church a few times because I couldn’t sit up without my heart palpitating. I remember talking with people and chanting in my head “don't pass out. Don't pass out.” It felt like my liver was going to explode when I walked from the parking garage to the doctor’s office. My original OB, who had seen me for 4 of my 5 pregnancies, dropped me and said I had her and the whole office “spooked.” My body was creating dangerous bile acids and liver enzyme levels that one doctor had never seen before and another had only seen twice before me, with those stories not ending well. Many tears were shed. Many fears were introduced and faced. The “big” kids learned the importance of faith and prayer and trust in God’s strength, which is made perfect in weakness. Boy, how I learned about that. We saw God work and bring my numbers down to safer levels. We saw Him get us to not just 34 weeks, but 35 weeks and 5 days, the closest we could get to full term (40 weeks). He saw to it that we needed as little intervention as possible to get labor moving, and we were able to avoid a c-section. We were blessed to have a quick delivery and to have a nurse offer to take some quick pictures. We were blessed to hold our baby for a blissful 90 seconds before he had to be taken from us. We were blessed to have family and friends rally around us, calling, texting, and visiting us. I felt alone in my feelings, but the Lord gave me a strong husband to lead us and an incredible support system to love on us. We had people help with paperwork we needed to have all the children meet, we had people praying all the time, people to visit us and talk with us as we said “goodbye for now” to our boy as he was transferred to the NICU in an isolate. We had friends lend an ear to our tears. We had people who were able to show up and sit with our baby when we couldn’t.

There are no words for me to describe the fear in my husband’s eyes during labor, the pure loneliness right after while they were caring for me and taking the baby away. Alex went with the Nurse and baby, then no one said anything to me. The nurses and midwife acted as if a piece of me had not just been taken away. I can’t figure out how to express the empty feeling the next morning after having been up all night trying to provide milk for my baby, losing sleep next to a machine instead of snuggling my boy. Feeling like a failure every time Alex had to wheel me from building to building to see our baby. Feeling as though the authority over our child had been stripped, not even being able to just pick him up to snuggle. Having to video call the “big” kids and have them cry from missing us while we were sitting in the NICU, and feeling terrible leaving the NICU without our third child. That feeling of separation, I imagine, is only a small example of what God the Father felt when He turned from Christ His Son on the cross.

How appropriate this all happened in the Advent season and beginning of the Christmas season. Our Lord was born in a lowly estate, to a woman who I’m sure imagined a very different birth and postpartum. The Lord who was born and placed in a manger, Who fled to Egypt, grew up and chose to die on a cross, bearing all of our sins and inequities, and rose again on the third day…He is the same Lord Who walked with us during my illness, watched over us during our labor and delivery, and held us and our boy close to Him as Silas fought each milestone the hospital required to let us leave. That same Lord gave us strength in our weakness while we tried to balance getting the kids to Church, following through on our Christmas traditions, attending family gatherings, and visiting a piece of our heart in the NICU. Managing a hyped up 2 year old and 5 year old in the Christmas season in a hospital room with their infant baby brother and explaining all the wires and tubes to them? 0/10 would not recommend, but that same experience continues to be used to sanctify me and remind me of how sinful of a world we live in but how great of a God we serve.

He saw to it that we had the strength to care for all of our babies’ different physical and emotional needs, even if we couldn’t be together. He gave me a husband to support me and cause a ruckus among the doctors and nurses when we needed to. He gave us incredible parents and gave our children grandparents who bathed them in love and prayer. He gave our children baptismal sponsors to speak life and sanity over us. He gave us only 9 days in the NICU, and a safe and uncomplicated transition home. He gave us a baby that was born turning purple, now rolly-polly and smiley. He gave us blessings upon blessings and a deeper understanding of His loving faithfulness.

I pray the Lord continues to renew my mind and my body and continues reminding me of the many miracles and blessings He continues to bestow upon us. We have a great and faithful God. I struggle sometimes thinking back and looking at the hard and difficult, but He faithfully saw us through and continues to heal us. How awesome, how great is He.

I feel there is more to say, and I may never be able to fully get it out. I can only continue to pray and praise Him Who saw us through and blesses us day by day. I fail daily in my many vocations, but I am thankful He lives within me and fills in the gaps. This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice in it. Amen.