My Help Comes From the Lord

Pregnancy after loss is…hard. First, there’s the initial restraint of excitement that you want to share with others but no one truly understands. Then, there’s the blood work every other day to watch your levels, hoping and praying the supplements you’ve been given are sufficient and that your baby is still alive. Then, it’s finally time for an ultrasound, at which point they cannot find a heartbeat. While you and the doctor both know you are early in the pregnancy, there is always that possibility that your womb has once again become a tomb for your unborn child.


Two days later, there is a heartbeat! Thank the Lord and sing Him praise! What joy and relief. Now, you get to be on a regular schedule with the doctor. No more multiple needles through the week. No more extra appointments…for now.


Fast forward a day or two and now you are in full swing, getting excited and thinking, hoping, and praying you will see this baby alive in your arms in a few months. Then the morning sickness starts to hit. Then multiple side effects of the supplement you are on begin to combine and wear you out. Not only have you been exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions, but now you are exhausted and ill from the symptoms of pregnancy and supplemental progesterone. Hot flashes, cold chills, nausea, vomiting, anger, depression, musculoskeletal pain…


This isn’t even to mention the guilt I feel for feeling so awful. I know these symptoms and side effects mean my body is doing as it should and that my Lord is knitting my baby in my womb. I know the joy that is there, so I feel intense guilt for wishing away the symptoms that are wearing me down.


It’s difficult. It wears on you. I continue to say that I will be sick every day for the next nine months if it means I get to meet my baby face to face. And I mean it. But the Lord knows I am already exhausted and feeling weak.


I do not say all this to ask for pity, but to ask for prayers. Prayers for me as I navigate the difficulty of the first trimester coupled with extra side effects and the continued twinge of grief. Prayers for my husband as he navigates these months with me being less than 100%, and where he is the one who gets to see all my joy, suffering, sadness, excitement, anger, and yearning. It is just as exhausting for him as it is for me. Also prayers for our babies. For Samuel as he continues to grow and soon comes into the role of big brother, and the baby in my womb, that they will grow and come home to Mama and Dada.


Ultimately, in all circumstances, our hope is in the Lord, and we know He will see us through whatever lies ahead.


I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.


Psalm 121:1-2



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