When Will I Learn?

2 weeks ago, I was presented with the possibility of having preeclampsia. My blood pressure was high, I had protein in my urine, I was swollen, and I had gained 10lbs out of nowhere. So, they ran tests and had me come back the day after next.

Like most parents, I’m afraid of anything hurting my baby. I’ve tried to make fairly healthy choices to help him grow and to be as strong as possible. Any twinge, any ache, any pain—I get scared that I am losing him. So to hear of an impending diagnosis that could mean death to my baby...that was the worst thing I could hear. No matter how well managed it could be, no matter how common it is, it sounded like a predictor of doomsday.

I immediately told my husband, worried and scared out of my mind. I called on those closest to me, asking for prayers for our baby to be okay. I prayed. I cried. I stayed up those two nights feeling fearful. I imagined what I would do in every worst case scenario I could come up with. My husband loved on me, cuddled me, listened to me, gave me flowers, prayed with me. 

By the time the next appointment came around, I was an exhausted, nauseous wreck. When the doctor came in, she asked how I was. I felt confused, thinking, “you’re about to tell me my body is failing—again—at being a good vessel for my baby. I’m terrified. How could you not know that?” I said instead that I was worried and scared. She asked “why” and I felt even more bewildered and just looked at her, tears forming in my eyes. She then continued to tell me that I had nothing to worry about, that worrying was her job. That all tests were showing in normal range, my baby looked perfect in the ultrasound, and they had no reason to continue thinking I had preeclampsia. It just went away. My baby was okay. We had nothing to worry about.

Woah.

This week, they again said no protein in urine and no need to worry. I measured smaller than expected for how far along I am, but after another ultrasound, they determined it was because of my pelvis, not because my baby wasn’t growing properly.

You guys, I continue to be like the Israelites, forgetting the goodness and mercy our Father gives. He provides every time, even in the difficulties. He continues caring for me and my family, even when things seem bleak. He’s continuing to mold my heart and all He wants me to do is turn to Him and pray. And some how I am amazed each time He provides and protects. I am surprised each time He overcomes my worries. I am in awe each time He shows me His power.

Bad things have happened. Bad things will happen again. I continue hoping and praying the bad will not come about in another loss of a child. But I know and continue being shown that His mercy makes all things new. I can hear Him saying the words from 2 Corinthians 12:9, “‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

I am weak, y’all. I myself am imperfect. I’m a mess. I’m wretched and certainly do not trust the way I should. My body, heart, and mind have failed and will continue to fail in different ways. But I pray He continues to show His power in my weakness. I hope I am able to see it and to learn to look for it.

When will I learn?