Death DIED

This is a scary and confusing time. It’s a time when I know it is okay and warranted to be sad, but it is difficult to explain to many people what the sadness feels like or just how deep it is. It isn’t quite a depression yet, though I fear it could morph into one. It isn’t a feeling that the words pain, sorrow, anguish, or suffering can fully describe. It feels like there is a hole in my heart, an ache in my soul. It feels like an emptiness that slowly yet steadily grows into a black hole, sucking away all joy, energy, and feeling within me. Sometimes, the hurt dissipates for a while, then creeps back in during a tv show, a conversation, or even a moment. It creeps back into the crevices of my heart and mind, showing itself on my face and in my voice.

I have a history of depression, which creates a fear of the darkness coming back. I fear the evil depression holds, and I can at times see the Enemy working to bring the rain. All the sadness gets turned into blaming fingers pointing at myself, as if it all were my fault. I watched the caffeine, the bad food, the over exertion. I took the prenatals, drank enough water, and researched any kind of pain reliever before touching it. I did what I as a human momma could do, yet it wasn’t enough—my baby still died.

I find myself fighting against a feeling that I should be okay by now—it has been over a week, and I’ve had time to grieve. I took the time off work, I spent the time with family, I cried. But the hole is still there. Sometimes, especially when interacting with kiddos and seeing their precious faces, I yearn to be a mommy so bad that it hurts. The hurt feels like a hole in my heart, and it feels like Satan is putting his grubby hands on either side and ripping me apart, from the heart outward. I can feel the darkness swooping in, infiltrating my deepest thoughts.

But God. He leads us beside still waters and restores our soul. He tells us we only need faith as big as a mustard seed to tell a mountain to move. And guess what? He already moved that mountain. He used our little mustard seed baby to move our hearts. He still uses that mustard seed faith to remind us of all He has done. He overcame death, the grave, and the Devil! The devil may try to twist our sins and our failures and fears in such a way to scare us away from God, but God already overcame all of that and has won us His victory.

You see, on Good Friday, Death DIED. You guys, Jesus killed death. He conquered it. And He has your baby, my baby, in His hands, in His bosom. He conquered the loss we and all those who love us are mourning. All the fears, all the questions, all the inner wars we each are fighting—He conquered them. He destroyed them. We may feel the after effects and the sadness, but we also get to rejoice in His victory.

Here’s to being simultaneously sinners and saints, washed in His love and wrapped in His grace.

Ephesians 5:8 “for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light.”