Momma in the Valley

This is a scary and confusing time. It’s a time when I know it is okay and warranted to be sad, but it is difficult to explain to many people what the sadness feels like or just how deep it is. It isn’t quite a depression yet, though I fear it could morph into one. It isn’t a feeling that the words pain, sorrow, anguish, or suffering can fully describe. It feels like there is a hole in my heart, an ache in my soul. It feels like an emptiness that slowly yet steadily grows into a black hole, sucking away all joy, energy, and feeling within me. Sometimes, the hurt dissipates for a while, then creeps back in during a tv show, a conversation, or even a moment. It creeps back into the crevices of my heart and mind, showing itself on my face and in my voice. I have a history of depression, which creates a fear of the darkness coming back. I fear the evil depression holds, and I can at times see the Enemy working to bring the rain. All the sadness gets turned into blaming fingers pointin...

This is my inaugural blog post, sharing real feelings from days I never knew would come to be. My hope and prayer is that these posts will reach someone going through the same type of heartache. No one should ever feel alone, but especially during a time where you are the most raw you ever have been. This will all of course be a work in progress, but I am not afraid to share the newness of these things, and I hope all the vulnerability will encourage others. Without further ado, my first blog post: This morning was the first morning I woke up and my first thought was not of my baby.  Almost as soon as I realized this, a wave of guilt washed over me, strengthening my confusion and weariness.  The confusion of how I can love someone so much after only knowing of them for a week and never getting the pleasure of meeting them.  The confusion of feeling simultaneously joyful that my baby gained heaven, and full of sorrow that my baby isn’t here in my arms.  This mor...